Introducing exercises

‘What we’ll do next is split up into four groups. Each group will represent a color. [I create four groups and assign them a color]. For each color you will come up with the do’s and don’t in communication. You have 15 minutes for this. Are there any questions? …. No, everything clear? Okay, then good luck and see you in 15 minutes!’.

It’s early days in my training career and I’m delivering my first ever DISC training. I’m feeling pretty good about the way I’ve explained the exercise. After I send them off several people come back with questions: ‘can we use the room next door?’, ‘do you want us to write down our findings?’, ‘do we have to present it afterwards?’. I wonder why they have not asked this before. I give them the answers and walk by every group to give them the same information. I notice that two groups are doing the exercise wrong. Again I wonder why, I’ve been clear in my instructions, right? I correct them and they proceed. After 10 minutes, everyone is finally doing what I intended. I give them a bit more time, so that everyone has a chance to finish.

As a trainer, introducing exercises is a skill you want to absolutely crush. The impact of your session depends on it. Obviously, I had not crushed this skill at the beginning of my career. And that’s perfectly normal. It takes practice, time, and failure to finally learn to do it well. What helps to get you there faster is to understand the method to the magic of great exercise instruction. And wouldn’t you know, I’m about to share that with you here! Let’s dive in. 

The method to the magic

01. Why

Remember how I mentioned that in order to be a great trainer you have to employ your sales skills from time to time? Well, this is one of those moments.  

The ‘why’ of an exercise is the rationale behind it, emphasizing the benefit for the participants. It explains how the exercise ties into the overarching goal of the session and what the participants will get out of it. When you share this ‘why’ you ‘sell’ the exercise to the participants and create buy-in. This is the step that many trainers forget. They immediately jump into the ‘how’, just as I did in the example above. 

You can get creative with the story. Here are some options using the DISC example from above:

• Link to the learning goals ‘Many of you wanted to learn how to forge better connections with people that have a different style than you. This is the exercise where you will create the toolbox to do exactly that. Sounds good? [check for non-verbal buy-in]’

• Personal example ‘A couple of years ago I had a job interview with the director of Google Netherlands. I brought all of my enthusiasm to this interview and for all this enthusiasm I didn’t receive so much as a smile. I thought this meant he did not like me and went into enthusiasm overdrive to invoke some reaction. Response: nothing. I left the interview dejected and sure I did not get the job. Who of you recognises the experience of trying your best to connect, but not succeeding? [wait for some reactions]. If I had had this training I would have realized that his neutral expression did not necessarily signify that he did not like me, it could simply that he had a different style than me. And if I had done this next exercise in particular I would have known how to remain calm and tweak my personal style to better connect with him. Sounds interesting? [check for non-verbal buy-in]. All right!’

• Start with the gains. 'If you’re interested in improving your ability to connect with people of all styles, this exercise will be right up your alley. Who’s in? [check for non-verbal buy-in]’   

02. How

This is where you explain what the exercise entails. You describe what they are about to do and illustrate what success looks like. 

Using the example above you might say:

What we’ll do is split the group up into four. Each group gets assigned one of the four DISC colors. The challenge is to come up with at least three do’s and three don’ts in communicating with that respective color. What we’ll end up with is a toolbox for forging better connections with each respective style that you can start applying in your day-to-day. Sounds good? [wait for some reactions]

03. What

This is where you break the process down in steps and communicate the available resources for doing the exercise. Things to mention are: time, roles, group composition, location and materials. 

Using the example from above you might say:

Each group will consist of all persons that have that color as their primary color. So if your primary color is red, you will go in the red group and so on. [check for non-verbal signs of understanding]. You have 15 minutes to come up with at least three do’s and three don’ts. You will write them on a flip-over that you can get from me. Two groups can remain in this room, the other two groups can use the break-out room next door. Afterwards you will present your findings to the rest of the group, so make sure you choose a presenter. 

04. Check

Let me guarantee you this: especially if you’re new to this structured way of introducing exercises you’re not going to get it right every time. This is why though, this last step - Check -  is so important. Here, you fish out all the essential information that you have failed to communicate before and send participants off with everything they need to ace the exercise. 

Most trainers do this check by using one of these two questions: 

‘Is everything clear?/ Are there any questions?’

After you’ve finished reading this chapter you will not be one of them. In fact, you will have banished these two sentences from your trainer-vocabulary altogether. You will have done this because you have come to this understanding:

• These sentences feel perfunctory and don’t invite a reply

• The lay the burden of understanding with the participant rather than with you the trainer

Instead, you will check for understanding by using both of these questions:

‘Have I explained this clearly?’ [wait for reactions]

+ 

‘What questions remain about how to do this exercise?’ [wait for reactions]

These are the questions you will use  because you’ve come to this understanding:

• The burden of understanding should be with you as a trainer, so that people feel at ease to ask their questions.

• Implying that having questions is the normal thing invites more responses

• Using these two questions in a row demonstrates that you’re serious about getting some answers.

I am so excited about you getting to test-drive this way of instructing exercises! Yes, it will feel mechanical at first, as with any new method. If you stick with it though, these steps will become second nature and you don’t have to think about it anymore. For me, learning to do this really well has had a tremendous impact on the impact of my trainings and my confidence as a trainer. I’m positive it’ll do the same for you.

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Introducing, Guiding and Debriefing Exercises. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Holding space for emotion

If you are uncomfortable when faced with someone’s emotional reaction, this post is for you. If you draw a blank when someone displays a difficult emotion and are insecure about what to do, read on. This article will give you a handle on how to navigate the situation in a way that de-escalates the emotion and strengthens the relationship: through the concept of holding space. Holding space is the practice of being present for someone without judgment, providing them with a safe environment to process whatever it is they are going through. 

This article came about because over the years I’ve seen many people-managers putting off important conversations because they were dreading the emotions that might come up.  It could be telling someone that they would not be promoted, delivering the news that a contract wouldn’t get extended, giving someone some difficult feedback or inquiring after someone whose mental health they were worried about. As a result, important topics were addressed too late or not at all. 

Fortunately, holding space is a highly trainable skill. For this, I’ll share 5 tools with you. If you put the effort in and practice making them your own, I promise you will be able to skillfully navigate these conversations. 

01. Mindset

First things first: You’ve got to get your head on straight if you want to do this right. How? The way you interpret the fact that the other person is having an emotional reaction will determine your ability to deal with the situation. These are some interpretations I’ve encountered over the years. ***Spoiler alert: these are not helping you…

That the other person is having a emotional reaction means that:

• I have done something wrong

• I need to fix it

• the other person is not able to have this conversation right now

Having this mindset will influence your feelings and behavior. You will probably feel triggered and uncomfortable. Behavior-wise, you might jump into solution-mode or shut down the conversation. Both approaches will more likely exacerbate the emotion than alleviate it. So you’re going to need another mindset to allow you to hold space. This is the mindset that will help you:

That the other person is having a emotional reaction means that:

• I have done something wrong → this person has been triggered and that’s human and okay

• I need to fix it → I can support this person by holding space

• the other person is not able to have this conversation right now → I can facilitate this person to process their emotion so we can continue our conversation

Now that you’re operating from the right mindset, let’s explore what tools you might use to help the other person process their emotion.

02. Silence

Let me start with the most effective tool bar none: silence. As someone is having an emotional reaction, just allowing for some silence will go a long way in helping the other person move through the emotion and regain their composure. No action required. This sounds so simple, yet it is not easy. Most people are really uncomfortable with silence. The reason is the way people interpret silence. So here, we also have to change our mind about silence:

Silence means that:

• the other person is waiting for me to speak → the other person needs some time to regain their composure

• the other person is uncomfortable by my not speaking →the other person is so preoccupied with their own emotional reaction that they’re probably not even registering the silence. The only person that’s uncomfortable is me and I can handle that. 

03. Labeling

Through silence you allow for someone to move through the emotion at their own pace. Through labeling you can accelerate this process. Labeling is putting words to what you sense is going on with the other person. Invaluable sentences for this start with these words:

• It looks like… this caught you off guard / you’re struggling

• It sounds like… you have a lot on your plate right now / you’re frustrated

• It seems like… this is not what you expected / you’re rattled by this

• It feels like… you’re disappointed / you’re having difficulty digesting that

When you use a sentence like this, you subtly invite the other person to reflect. The other is invited to look at the emotion rather than be in the emotion. This helps to slow down the build-up of the emotion.

Two expert tips:

• A sentence like this needs to be followed by silence for the effect to kick in.

• Don’t use the similar: I see/I hear/I feel/I notice. They make your remark about you rather than the other person. 

Note: I picked these sentences up in Chris Voss’ book: Never split the difference. A must read if you're interested in how to build better connections with people. 

04. Voice

When you label, the effect will be heavily influenced by your delivery. You want to pay attention to the voice that you use. In this situation, the way you tend to speak when you want to ‘get stuff done’ is not your friend. When you’re holding space for someone you want to use the vocal equivalent of sitting by the fireplace under a blanket with a cup of tea in your hand. Too abstract? Let me break it down. You can adjust your voice like this:

• Bring down the pace, talk slower

• Bring down the pitch, talk lower

• Use a downward inflection. Have the intonation go down at the end of your sentence. 

For an example: Stephen Bartlett uses this type of voice a lot in his podcast Diary of a CEO. 

05. Empathy

This last one comes with a disclaimer: only use this when it’s genuine. It will have an adverse effect if you don’t really mean it. According to Brené Brown empathy is connecting with people so we know we're not alone when we're in struggle. You can show empathy through your words and through your non-verbals. 

Through words:

• I can understand… this is a really difficult situation / your disappointment

• I can imagine… your struggle / that this is a tough pill to swallow

• I can relate to… your sense of frustration / the way you’re feeling right now

• I recognize the feeling of [fill in the blank] and it’s really hard/tough.

Through non-verbals:

• Head slightly tilted

• Understanding expression, though not condescending

• Slight nodding

• This last one might be a bit odd: if the other person is sighing, I tend to sigh along. It creates a feeling of sharing the burden and giving the other person the feeling that they’re not alone. Obviously, don’t overdo it. 

I can’t wait for you to start trying this out for yourself. My advice is to not try to implement the tools all at once. Start with one or two, make them your own, and once you feel comfortable using them, add the next. This way you ensure you come across as being authentic, rather than ‘trying some new trick’. Let me know how you fare!

If you feel like you need a little bit more help to really make this your own, don’t hesitate to be in touch. The session Creation Depth in my Inspire to Lead programme for first time leaders covers this skill.

All trainers are in sales

When I left my job at Google 10 years ago I never wanted to be in sales again. Not my cup of tea, thank you very much. Imagine the irony when I discovered that in order to be a great trainer, you still need to employ your sales skills on the regular. Introducing the goal of the session is the first moment for this. 

During the session you will invite participants to step out of their comfort zone. As the wording implies this isn’t necessarily -well- comfortable… Participants may feel awkward, uneasy or vulnerable as they try something new. Therefore, few people will venture out of their comfort zone without a good reason. There needs to be something worth having outside of your comfort zone  to endure the discomfort that inevitably follows when you leave it. The goal of the session is that reason. It is this goal that you have to ‘sell’ to the participants. 

You do this by framing the goal in such a way that it appeals to your participants.  It needs to be so alluring that they buy into it and sign up for whatever is coming next. 

Now I can imagine you might be curious what a ‘salesy’ goal might sound like. In that case, fret not: here are two examples.  

• Training Protecting your Focus: ‘In our chats before the session you’ve mentioned that this quarter is especially busy for your company. Some of you told me that it feels like treading water sometimes, keeping up with all of the things that need to get done. In times like these it is increasingly difficult to remain focused on the things that matters most, am I right? [check for non-verbal confirmation]. This session has been designed for you to enable you to keep that focus, even when demands are high. Sounds good? [hold space for some reactions].’

• Training Situational Leadership: ‘Since you have all started leading your own team in the last year, you’ve probably noticed already that there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach to leadership. Different people in your team require different things from you at different times. [check non-verbals of the group to gauge whether this resonates]. Figuring out what approach would work best in a specific situation can be difficult and actually carrying out what you intended can prove a struggle. The two days of training ahead of us will tackle these two challenges. By enabling you to become flexible in the leadership style you display, you will yield better results with your team. How does that sound? [hold space for some reactions]’

Have you noticed that I’ve inserted space in my delivery of the goal for some (non-)verbal reactions from the group? You probably suspect by now that that is intentional. You would be right. I take in their reactions to gauge whether they are on board with what I’m saying. If their reactions are positive, I keep going.  If their responses are lukewarm, that is my first cue that there might be some resistance that has to be addressed. How you do this will be tackled in a later blogpost.  

Let me share three common pitfalls you might want to elegantly step around as you start putting this into practice:

• Skipping the goal altogether. That sounds something like: ‘So today’s topic is Bad News Conversations. In the morning we’ll learn the  4 steps of delivering bad news and how to avoid the most common pitfalls and in the afternoon we’ll practice with your own cases.’ By skipping the goal, you deny participants the opportunity to buy into the end result and build up intrinsic motivation for the session ahead. Plus, you miss the moment to check for possible resistance. 

• Mistaking the means for the end. This sounds something like: ‘The goal for today’s session is to learn how to give feedback and practice with your own cases’ In fact it is not. Those two things are merely means to achieve a bigger goal. That goal might sound like: ‘The goal for today’s session is to empower you to build a high-performing team. How you as a manager encourage effective behavior and discourage ineffective behavior will heavily influence how your team performs. The tool you have for this is feedback. At the end of this day, you will feel more confident in giving feedback and you will have the skills to deliver the feedback in such a way that it motivates the employee to develop while nurturing the relationship.’ 

• Framing the goal from the company’s point of view. This sounds something like: ‘So the reason for today’s session is that the Employee Engagement Survey showed that 73% of employees feel they do not receive enough feedback from their managers. By spending the next two days learning how to give and receive feedback the goal is to bring that number down to less than 20% by the end of next year.’ Even though this might very well be the reason the training is happening, framing it in this way is a no-go. Why? Because it is unclear to participants what is in it for them personally. Only when you frame the goal in such a way that it communicates an end-result worth having for the individual participant will you entice them to leave comfort behind and go on the training-journey with you.  

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Opening a Session. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

The training starts before the training

As I enter the virtual training session I am welcomed by a slide that says: ‘Welcome, the training will start at 09:00’. The trainer is muted and typing. He doesn’t acknowledge me nor the other participants dripping in. For the 5 minutes left before the start of the training everyone just sits there, on mute, somewhat uncomfortable, somewhat bored. At 09:00 the trainer looks up from his keyboard and opens the training. As he gets to the introductions, he asks: ‘I’d love to get to know you all! Who would like to start by introducing themselves?’ He is met with a sullen silence.

This trainer obviously did not receive a very important memo with regards to training: The training starts before the training. Take a moment to let that phrase sink in. What does it mean for you?

Okay, cut to a different example. 

As I approach the training space I hear some faint music. When I walk through the door I see a trainer behind his computer, singing along to some Blues Brothers music. He is obviously enjoying himself. When notices me, he stands up and walks up to greet me with a big smile on his face. We get into some small talk as he asks me about my job, how I am looking forward to today’s session and my taste in music (he noticed me singing along to one of the songs). As other participants come in, they’re met with the same welcome and he includes them in the small talk. When it’s time to start he redirects the conversation to the topic of the training by saying: ‘09:00, let’s get this show on the road!’. As he gets to introductions he says: ‘Let’s do an official introduction round, so we get to know each other better. Who’ll go first?’ Immediately, two people raise their hands.

This trainer had achieved what ‘the training starts before the training’ is alluding to: He had us in his pocket before the training had started. Even though this training took place years before I decided to become a trainer myself I always remembered this session. I used it as an inspiration for how I start my sessions. I’ll share my checklist with you, in the hope it inspires you in turn. 

• 20 minutes before start time: Prep Done. Room set up to my liking? Check. Presentation plugged in? Check. Went to the bathroom? Check. Wrote my flips? Check. Training Materials in place? Check. Got my morning tea? Check. 

• Music & Chill. Put on some music and chill until the first participant drops in. A few notes on music… 

• Go for something you  enjoy, don’t pick something for the participants. The participants are influenced more by your demeanor than the music. Also, if you pick something unique to you that tends to be a nice conversation starter. Obviously, you do want to be mindful of the setting you are in. If you are into death metal or gangster rap I would say Rock on, but choose something more middle of the road for the session. 

• Tailor the vibe of music to what you need in the moment. Participants are stressed and high in energy because of the commute? Pick something mellow and slower-paced.  Participants are lethargic after lunch? Pick something lighthearted and upbeat. 

• An additional benefit of having music playing is that it makes it very easy to transition to the actual session. You simply turn off the music, and you will automatically have everyone’s attention. No need for raising your voice. As a music-lover though I have one request for you. For the love of Pete, do not turn the music off mid-song. Anyone who’s into music like me will have a short-circuit in their brain and they will need at least half an hour to recover from that musical faux-pas. So please, wait ‘til the end of the song or do an elegant fade-out. On behalf of all music lovers everywhere: I thank you.

• Smile & Welcome. Walk up to each participant, welcome them and point them to the big 3: coat rack, toilet, coffee machine. By walking up to them you immediately establish yourself as the trainer and the one in charge. Names are a big deal. Make a point to remember them and get the pronunciation 100 % correct. You want participants to feel seen and welcome, and learning people’s names is your first step to get there. If remembering names is not your forte, do make your own life easier by using name tags or writing them down. If you’re seeing the group for the second time, study the participant list beforehand so you can greet people by name as much as possible. 

• Talk Small. If small talk doesn’t come naturally to you and you’d rather skip this part, may I advise against it? These seemingly innocuous conversations aren’t mere fillers. They serve you as a trainer in many ways. Really? Yes! In these conversations with participants you:

• …dig up information that is relevant to the training.What’s their attitude towards the training? Are they excited, neutral, resistant or something else? How  are they doing? Are they hung-over because they had the company Christmas party the day before? Are they anxious because the company is in a re-org and they’re fearing for their jobs? This is stuff you want to know about before the training starts, because it will influence how you might approach the session.

• … form an image of participants’ daily reality. This you can then use during the training to create examples that are recognizable and relevant to participants, creating a custom-feel. 

• … win them over with your personality so you have participants in your pocket before the training starts.

• Express interest. Most participants can sniff out the difference between genuine and feigned interest in a heartbeat. So do bring an attitude of true curiosity to your small talk. Make sure you respond to what they’re sharing with a follow-up question, because the most interesting information lies hidden behind the second or third follow-up question. 

• Include everyone. Since your goal is to have the whole group in your pocket before the session starts avoid deep one-on-one conversations with a single participant, however interesting the topic may be. Actively engage others by saying something like: ‘We were just discussing…/ Did you also experience…/ How is that for your department?’

So now you too have received the memo and it’s up to you to make it your own and create your own unique ways to greet, engage and connect with your participants.  When your moment arrives, I trust you share the memo in turn, so together we uplift the game and dazzle all of our future participants with a welcome that’s surprising, warm and engaging.

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Opening a Session. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.