The Leadership Skill That Separates the Good From the Great

If you would ask me my favorite quality in leaders, I would say it is the ability to straddle paradoxes.

At first glance, that might sound vague or abstract. But bear with me for a moment. A paradox is simply the capacity to hold and navigate opposing tensions. Not choosing one or the other, but learning to work with both.

In over a decade of leadership coaching, I have found that almost every leadership challenge lives on what appears to be a continuum. One pole at one end, the opposite pole at the other.

For example:

• Leaders who are very task focused often struggle with situations that demand people focus

• Leaders who lead from a place of equality often face challenges that require asserting authority

• Leaders with an unstoppable can do mentality often bump into situations where clear boundary setting is necessary

During coaching, we spend time unpacking these tensions. Exploring the discomfort. Sitting in the uncertainty. And then, at some point, clarity emerges. The leader starts to see what is required of them.

This is the moment where internal resistance kicks in.

They feel like stepping into authority means abandoning their belief in equality.
They feel like setting boundaries means betraying their can do mindset.
They feel like focusing on people means they are neglecting the task.

In other words, they believe they must move from their comfortable side of the continuum to the uncomfortable one. And in doing so, they fear leaving behind their authenticity.

But here is the shift that unlocks growth.

What is necessary is not abandoning your strength. What is necessary is letting go of the idea that there is a continuum at all.

These are not opposites. These are partners in a paradox.

Great leaders learn to hold both people and task focus.
Both equality and authority.
Both optimism and boundaries.

They develop the capacity to move fluidly between them, and more importantly, to integrate them.

This is what rounds them out as leaders and as human beings.
This is what expands their range.
This is what unlocks their full capacity.

So I leave you with this reflection.

What is the paradox you have yet to straddle?
Which two seemingly opposing qualities do you need to learn to hold at the same time, rather than choosing one?

It is in that tension, held with presence and self awareness, that leadership truly becomes art.

In our Inspire to Lead programme, we work directly with these concepts — moving leaders beyond simple continuums (“more of this, less of that”) and into the ability to hold behavioural paradoxes with maturity and presence. We help leaders develop the capacity to be confident and humble, compassionate and firm, strategic and human — at the same time. That is where leadership deepens, and where behaviour starts to shift in a sustainable way.

The Culture You Build Is the One You Allow

As a leader, one of the most powerful ways to shape the culture around you is through how you respond to the behaviour of the people in your team. Your culture is largely defined by the behaviours you reward, the behaviours you discourage or disallow, and the behaviours you ignore.

Most leaders I work with have a clear vision of the culture they want to create. Many also communicate that vision to their team. Yet in many cases, that vision never fully comes to life.

The reason: they haven’t operationalised it.

You operationalise your vision by:

• Rewarding behaviours that are conducive to it

• Discouraging or disallowing behaviours that are detrimental to it

Especially the latter tends to be tricky. These interventions can be uncomfortable, and many leaders simply don’t know how to do it. Because: How do you course-correct without putting someone on the spot?

As a result, undesirable behaviours often get ignored and, without noticing, those behaviours start to become part of the culture.

Over the years, I’ve discovered a very effective way of course-correcting. It makes it clear what you’re looking for in terms of behaviour, yet it’s framed in a way that allows the team member to recieve the feedback without feeling dejected. I use this approach in my trainings too, and I can say from experience: it works.

Ready? Here it is.
Three steps. Simple, but powerful.

Here’s what it might sound like:

Example 1

1. I see the dedication you bring to your job. It’s clear that you’re giving it your all, and I appreciate that.

2. At the same time, the messages you send in the evenings and weekends create an implicit expectation for others to also work during those hours. Since I want to promote a healthy work–life balance in the team, that’s something we need to look at.

3. I’d like evenings and weekends to be a no-mail timeframe. If you want to work on e-mails during that time, please schedule them for sending during working hours.

Example 2

1. Your enthusiasm is one of the great things you bring to this team. I love that energy.

2. At the same time, it sometimes leads to you taking up more airtime in meetings than others. It’s important to me that everyone gets a chance to contribute.

3. I’d like you to keep your enthusiasm, but also work on giving others space. Is that something you can do?

Keeping these three steps in mind helps you address unhelpful behaviour directly—without damaging trust or motivation. And in doing so, you start to build the culture you envisioned, one conversation at a time.

Curious to learn more? This is covered in the Building a team culture module of the Inspire to Lead programme.

On the leaders who truly inspire me

Lately I have been thinking about the leaders I find genuinely inspirational. Not the shiny ones. Not the overly polished ones. The ones who feel deeply human.

What sets them apart?

• They do not pretend to have all the answers.

• They feel no need to paint a perfect picture.

• They do not brush off mistakes.

Instead,

• They make decisions in an uncertain world.

• They own their mistakes and adjust course.

• They receive feedback with grace.

And in doing so, they model a culture where others feel safe to do the same.

So what makes this possible?

They seem to have made peace with being imperfect and fallible. And at the same time they see themselves as worthy.

• Worthy of belonging.

• Worthy of the position they hold.

• Worthy of being listened to.

In other words, they have cultivated self compassion.

Over the last decade of coaching professionals, I have noticed that this is not something most people come into the workplace with. Myself included.

Most people are far harsher on themselves than they would ever be on a friend.

• They set impossibly high bars.

• They fear mistakes.

• They speak to themselves with a tone they would consider unacceptable towards anyone else.

When you carry that inner voice into your first leadership role, you are going to run into challenges.

If you have not made peace with the possibility of making mistakes, it will be incredibly difficult to operate in a role that requires constant decision making under uncertainty.

If you have not accepted yourself as fallible yet worthy, then owning a mistake or receiving critical feedback will feel brutal.

And even though you do not mean to, you will model this to your team.

So this is my invitation to you.

Start cultivating self compassion.

Notice how you speak to yourself. Thank the critical voice that got you this far, and then gently hand the mic to a wiser and milder part of you. Speak to yourself as you would speak to your best friend.

Is it easy? No. Is it instant? Also no.

It has taken me years. And lots of coaching. To get to a place where the wiser and milder voice has most speaking privileges.

But OMG is it worth it.
For yourself. And for the people you lead.

And if you feel this is something you want to grow in — and you would like someone by your side who knows this journey from the inside — I would love to walk with you.

Leading Through Resistance: Helping Your Team Navigate Change

If you lead people, you already know this: every meaningful change comes with a side of resistance.

This is not a sign of failure or lack of skill. It is a completely natural and predictable part of the process: Resistance to change, conscious or not, is a natural defense against the discomfort of rewiring our brains.

Yet it can be draining. It can slow momentum. And yes, it can make even the strongest leaders wonder why their team won’t simply get with the programme.

And in the middle of changes as big as AI, resistance is proportionate: lots and lots of it. It may manifest in:

• Endless discussions

• People saying yes but doing no

• Silent quitting

• Unrest in the team

I’m writing this post to enable you to fully step into your role as leader and guide your team through this change. Specifically, I’ll help you elegantly sidestep two pitfalls I’ve seen many leaders fall into when dealing with resistance:

1. Ignoring the resistance, carrying on and keeping your fingers crossed that people will fall into step with time.

2. Pushing through the resistance, hoping that your courage of conviction will help change the hearts and minds of those you want to get on board.

Both approaches are more likely to exacerbate the resistance rather than dissolve it. Reason: in both scenario’s you are not giving the reservations of your team the time of day. As a leader, you are failing to embody a fundamental leadership principle: first seek to understand, then to be understood.(Stephen Covey - 7 habits if highly effective people).

Not until you’ve demonstrated to your people that you’ve heard their objections, that you understand where they’re coming from and you recognise (some of) their concerns, will they be able to let go of their resisting behaviors and think creatively how to deal with the challenges ahead. Curious how this play out in practice? Read on…

A Practical Example

Let’s say your company is replacing the initial contact of the call center with AI. The team’s reaction as you introduce this is:

“We don’t like it! We’ll never be able to guarantee quality! We’ll lose the integrity of our brand!”

Now, if you’re anything like most people, your mind might already be getting ready to respond — formulating articulate counterarguments.

For effective leaders though, this is the moment to hold your horses. Going down that road will lead to endless discussions and no change of minds.

Instead, they use this four-step approach:

1. Ask Them to Elaborate

“It sounds like you’re really worried about quality. How so?”
“It seems like the integrity of the brand is important to you, and you see a big risk here. Can you elaborate?”

2. Summarise and Validate

“So you’re worried that the AI won’t be as good as a human in answering these questions. I get that — it’s a valid concern.”

“You’re saying we’re in a really good place right now in terms of brand perception, and your own experience with AI chatbots has been negative with other brands. I can totally understand your worry here.”

3. If Applicable, Share Something of Yourself

What you share has to resonate with the experience of your team member. No counterarguments here!

“To me, it’s also really important to protect the integrity of the brand and the quality of our service. Those are two things that have made me proud to work for this company.”

4. When All Objections Are Heard, Introduce a Different Perspective

Wording is absolutely critical here. The word BUT is forbidden.
Instead, use AT THE SAME TIME.

“I get it, I really do. It is paramount we protect the integrity of our brand and the quality of our service. At the same time, AI is happening. It cannot be stopped. If we don’t embrace its advantages, before long we won’t be able to compete anymore.”

Now let a silence ensue — to give the group time to consider this perspective. Because they have been heard and understood, you’ve created the mental space for them to actually consider it.

This is usually the pivotal point of the discussion.

You’ll know a group is ready to effectively discuss a new idea — even if they don’t like it — when how questions start popping up:

“But how will we be able to control quality?”
“How will we protect the integrity of our brand?”

That’s when you can start to discuss and brainstorm how this can be done.

In closing

I’m curious how this approach will serve you in your next change conversation. Because when resistance is met with grounded curiosity and genuine understanding, it no longer drains energy — it builds trust, ownership and forward movement.

This is the kind of deep conversational leadership I train leaders in every day. If you want to grow in this area, you’re very welcome to explore my leadership programmes.

Leading and Reading: The Books That Shaped My Thinking

I’m convinced it’s no coincidence that leading and reading sound so similar.

To really hone your craft as a leader, and to deepen your understanding of yourself, others, and the world, reading allows you to stand on the shoulders of giants.

I also believe there’s massive value in reading the actual book rather than watching the TED Talk or YouTube summary. When I read, I want it to change my mind. To improve it for the better. And that only happens through true exposure: going beyond the theory and letting the stories, anecdotes, and examples come alive.

Below you’ll find the books that have changed my mind the most over the past years. Each one has profoundly influenced how I think, work, and live.

So, if you’re looking for inspiration, a new perspective, or a fresh spark in your leadership journey — take your pick, and happy reading.

Atomic Habits – James Clear

My daily yoga routine and weekly financial check-up wouldn’t exist without this book.

Focus aan/uit – Marc Tigchelaar & Stolen Focus – Johann Hari

No more switching between tasks, no more phones in the bedroom, no email before noon. So much more focus on what truly matters thanks to these books.

Give and Take – Adam Grant

Givers can come out on top, but only if they adjust their approach when dealing with takers.

Big Magic – Elizabeth Gilbert

Helped me understand how creativity really works. Also, a hugely entertaining read.

The Five Dysfunctions of a Team – Patrick Lencioni

The first book you should read when you start managing a team. Or when you’re in a team. Or actually, when you’re human. You get my drift, just read it.

Start with Why – Simon Sinek

I think I’m in love with Simon Sinek’s brain. This book completely changed how I communicate in sessions: start with why, then people care about how and what.

Nonviolent Communication – Marshall Rosenberg

May completely alter how you view feedback. It gives you step-by-step tools to make feedback more intentional. Love it.

Never Split the Difference – Chris Voss

Hands down the best book I’ve read on interpersonal communication. I’ve recommended it so many times, you’d think I had shares in it. Written by a former FBI hostage negotiator.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Stephen Covey

The bible of personal leadership. If you haven’t read it, start here.

The Psychology of Money – Morgan Housel

Want to get more intentional about your money? This book explains how your psychology drives your financial choices. So many a-ha moments.

Diary of a CEO – Stephen Bartlett

Full of practical leadership insights, written in an engaging, easy-to-read way. Also, his podcast is my all-time favorite.

Unreasonable Hospitality – Will Guidara

Astounded me with how much a book by a world-renowned restaurateur could inspire my leadership trainings. A brilliant read.

Atlas of the Heart – Brené Brown

Brené Brown breaks down 80+ emotions. Words matter. Naming emotions accurately leads to better regulation and attunement to others. A must-read.

In closing…

Reading doesn’t just make you smarter — it expands your empathy, strengthens your language, and reminds you that growth rarely happens in isolation.

So if you’re a leader, a learner, or simply someone who loves to stretch their thinking: pick a book, slow down, and let someone else’s wisdom shape yours for a while.

Which of these books shaped your thinking the most? I’d love to hear.

If you’d like to take the next step and apply some of these lessons in practice, have a look at my leadership programmes — where reading meets doing.

The leadership trap of needing approval

Everybody wants to feel like they’re doing a good job. That they’re a good leader. A good person. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Validation is human fuel—we all need some of it.

But here’s the catch: that validation can come from two places.

• Internal: your own compass, your values, your goals, your sense of right and wrong.

• External: the feedback, praise, recognition—or the results you can point to as proof.

As with many leadership principles, the magic is in a healthy mix. A strong internal compass to guide your decision-making, combined with awareness of how your actions land in the outside world.

When the balance tips

In over a decade of coaching leaders, I’ve met many who lean too heavily on external validation. They only feel good about their decisions if others immediately approve—or if there are quick results to show for it.

The problem? Leadership often requires you to move forward in the absence of validation. Sometimes even in the face of disapproval.

Think of situations like:

• Letting someone go—hardly the moment for fan mail.

• Giving tough feedback—recognition usually comes much later, if at all.

• Delivering bad news—no one’s clapping their hands with joy.

• Making unpopular decisions—the frustration is often aimed directly at you.

• Driving long-term results—you won’t have instant numbers to prove you were right.

If you rely too much on external validation—whether from people or from results—these moments paralyze you. I’ve seen it result in procrastination, vague communication, lack of ownership, and unfinished business. In other words: ineffective leadership.

The anchor you need

In tough situations, you need something solid to stand on: a clear internal compass. One that keeps you steady when external approval or measurable results are absent.

It’s this compass that allows you to:

• Take action when it’s unpopular but necessary.

• Communicate clearly, even when your message won’t land softly.

• Follow through on hard decisions without constant reassurance.

So how do you develop an internal compass?

That’s the million-dollar question. It’s not about shutting out feedback or going solo. It’s about cultivating clarity on your values, principles, and purpose, so that you don’t collapse without applause or immediate proof.

Some starting points:

1. Reflect regularly. Journal or debrief after key moments. What guided your decision? Did it align with your values?

2. Define your non-negotiables. What principles will you not compromise on, no matter the reaction or results?

3. Practice discomfort. Deliberately make small choices without seeking approval, and notice how you hold up.

4. Seek trusted mirrors. A coach, mentor, or peer group that gives honest—not sugar-coated—feedback.

Leaders who build this internal compass don’t need constant applause or quick wins. They can withstand the silence, even the criticism, that tough leadership moments bring. And that’s when they become truly effective.

This is exactly the work I do with leaders: helping them strengthen their internal compass so they can lead with clarity and confidence—even when external validation is absent. If you’re curious what that could look like for you or your team, I’d be happy to explore it together.

Leading with Intent: Mastering Assertiveness in Communication

The importance of choosing your words with intent

When you are in a position of leadership, an easy way to increase your ability to influence is to start choosing your words with intention. Phrasing something just right might be the difference between acceptance and full-blown resistance, or between a deepening or weakening of a relationship. 

As a leader, assertiveness is an essential skill. It’s the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, needs and boundaries clearly, confidently and respectfully while also being considerate of those of others. Simple as though it may sound, this is not an easy skill. Put too much emphasis on what you want and you become aggressive. Place too much weight on what others need and you become passive. 

One of the most powerful ways to strike this balance is through your choice of words—specifically, how you contrast ideas. Two small phrases, BUT and AT THE SAME TIME, allow you to express assertiveness in nuanced ways. They give you the power to balance authority with consideration, and in this article, we’ll explore how each one can shape your leadership influence. Ready? Let’s dive in! 

BUT versus AT THE SAME TIME

It’s important to be clear on what you are actually communicating when you are using these different phrases. Consider these two sentences

• I understand that you’d like an additional week to get this done, BUT unfortunately I’m not  in a position to extend the deadline.

• I understand that you’d like an additional week to get this done, AT THE SAME TIME I’m not in a position to extend the deadline.

Did you notice the subtle but important difference between these two phrases?

• Using BUT signals that your point of view takes precedence. You are communicating that in this instance, your view goes, and you want to move forward without extending the deadline.

• Using AT THE SAME TIME suggests both perspectives are equally important. You are inviting the other person to consider a new data point. You want to move forward by looking for solutions that take both viewpoints into account. 

You might ask yourself: which one is better? And I’ll give you my favorite answer: it depends. What does it depend on? I’ll dive into that next.

When to use BUT…

There will be moments in your leadership career when it’s necessary for you to make the final call. It might be because in that particular instance you are the expert, you have authority or you are the leader. This is a moment where BUT will serve you well. Examples:

• ‘I appreciate that you might want to include feature X in this sprint, BUT (as product owner) for now I’m deciding against it in favour of making the deadline.’

• ‘I understand that you’d like to fill out the evaluation tomorrow, but (from my years of experience as a trainer) I will ask you to do it now, since fill-out rates plummet once the session is over.’

In these situations you are effectively influencing through power. 

There are some downsides too:

• Use it too often, and you risk eroding trust and creating a hierarchical dynamic where your team feels undervalued or dismissed. This could lead to disengagement or resentment.

• Use it at the wrong moment (for example, during brainstorming), and you could stifle additional contributions from team members.. ‘Yes, that might look really nice, but have you considered the cost?’

• If you use BUT when challenging someone in a higher authority position, you risk coming across as petulant. ‘I understand you want me to do this, but I am swamped in work already!’

You’ve probably come to the conclusion that you want to use your BUT sparingly. In leadership, the thoughtful use of AT THE SAME TIME opens doors for collaboration and balance, often leading to more sustainable results.

When to use AT THE SAME TIME

I am a huge fan of AT THE SAME TIME. I think every leader should add it to their repertoire. Why? Because it allows you to navigate many complex situations by balancing multiple perspectives at once. Use it when…

• … you want to add an overlooked point of view to a discussion without dismissing what’s been said before.

‘I very much like the creativity in this idea. AT THE SAME TIME, I’m wondering about its technical feasibility. What are your thoughts?’

• … you are in a position of authority, yet you are open to discussion.

‘I’m leaning towards Marina’s proposal. AT THE SAME TIME, it’s crucial to me that everyone is on board with this. What’s needed to get everyone on the same page?’

• … you want to steer towards a certain outcome without imposing your authority. 

‘I very much value the discussion you are having, AT THE SAME TIME, I’m concerned about time. May I suggest we leave it here for now and pick this up in our next team meeting?’

• … you want to challenge someone with higher authority than you

‘I can see the benefit of adding this project to our list of priorities, AT THE SAME TIME, I do not see how we can deliver on our priorities with our current capacity’

• … you want to course-correct someone’s behavior who is prone to defensiveness

‘It looks like you and Alessia spend a lot of time together and you’re getting on very well, AT THE SAME TIME, to me it’s important that everyone feels included in the team. Would it be possible to make a conscious effort to include Darius?

In these situations, using AT THE SAME TIME allows you to influence others through consideration, while promoting dialogue, mutual respect, and a more inclusive approach to decision-making.

Final thought

In leadership, the words you choose have the power to shape not only decisions but also relationships. Mastering phrases like BUT and AT THE SAME TIME can elevate your ability to influence, collaborate, and create lasting, positive change.

Delivering Bad News

One of my favorite skills-sessions to deliver is Bad News Conversations. Why? Because there is such a huge delta between how participants come in and how they leave a session. This is a highly trainable skill. Everyone can learn it. Yes, you too! And when you do you’re going to reap the reward both in your personal and professional life. Your relationships will be the better for it because this is a trust-building skill. 

So, let’s dive in. I  will walk you through using the right mindset, understanding different types of bad news, and using a four-step method to navigate these conversations effectively.

Mindset

In my experience the biggest obstacle to  navigating bad news conversations is mindset. So if we want to get better, that’s our first port of call. 

The way you think about a situation influences your ability to deal with that situation. In the case of delivering bad news, there are some thought patterns that are going to make it impossible for you to navigate that conversation effectively. For example, if you think that you should be able to deliver the news in such a way that the other person doesn’t get emotional, you are setting yourself up for failure. Having an emotional reaction to bad news is human, and if you don’t allow the recipient of the news to have that reaction the conversation will be stunted. 

Therefore, you need to check your mindset at the door before going into the conversation. Shifting your mindset allows you to navigate these conversations with greater empathy and effectiveness. Below is a guide to reframing your thoughts.

Types of bad news

We can distinguish two types of bad news: 

1. A decision has been made that is unfavorable for you. Examples:

1. You will not be promoted this round

2. You are not getting a raise

3. Your contract will not be extended

4. You will get a NOT MEET on your performance review

2. Something happened that has an adverse effect on you. Examples:

1. Your computer was stolen from the office last night

2. I accidentally deleted your presentation

3. Your flight to the sales conference in Vegas was canceled due to a hurricane

4. Our commercial wasn’t nominated for  a Gouden Loeki this year

The method below will work for both types of news.

The method to the magic

All right, let's continue with understanding the structure of a bad news conversation.  This type of conversation consists of four steps. The emotional state of the receiver determines when you can move on to the next step. I’ll first walk you through the general idea and then give you tips and tricks for each step. Consider the following graph:

When you’re delivering bad news the first step is breaking the message. Chances are that the receiver of the bad news will then have some kind of emotional response. It could be disappointment, disbelief, anger, sadness, frustration, grief, numbness or something else. You can see this in the graph in the green line going up horizontally. When it crosses the dotted line the receiver is no longer rational. You will recognize this mostly through their non-verbals. 

Now pay attention, I’m about to share something vital…

In this state, the receiver is no longer able to process any information. Why? When someone experiences intense emotions, their brain's limbic system takes over. This temporarily overrides the rational thinking processes of the prefrontal cortex, making it difficult for them to process information or engage in logical reasoning. The single biggest mistake you can make when your counterpart is in this state  is to continue your story: present the arguments that support the decision, or provide the reasons that led to this outcome. Because what happens? Anything you say will put fuel to the fire. You don’t feel heard, the receiver doesn’t accept the decision/situation, you end up arguing: misery all around. 

It doesn’t have to be this way. What you should do instead, is hold space for the emotion to allow the receiver to calm down again. This is the second step of delivering bad news. At one point, the non-verbals of the receiver will give you an indication that they are able to talk rationally again. This is the point where the green line crosses the dotted line again on the way down. Then, and only then, will you continue to step 3: present the arguments that support the decision (for type 1 bad news), or provide the reasons that led to this outcome (for type 2 bad news).

Now you might think then that you are in the clear, the emotional part being behind you. Well maybe, maybe not. It frequently happens, especially if someone didn’t calm down as much as you’d thought, that someone’s emotions flare up again as you present the arguments. If this is the case, stay calm and move back to step 2. The key thing remains: don’t try to have a rational conversation with someone in an emotional state.

When you get them to calm down again, retry step 3. When you’ve given your arguments, with no more emotional flare-ups, it’s time to move over to step 4, Becoming clear on what the next steps are going to be.

Now let’s dive a little deeper into each step, to set you up right for your conversations to come:

Step 1: Break the message

This is something you could and should prepare. This is usually one or two sentences, followed by a pause. Examples:

• ‘I’m sorry to inform you your contract will not be extended…’

• ‘I have reviewed your request for a raise and unfortunately I am unable to approve it at this point…’

• ‘I’ve called to let you know that we’ve decided to offer the job to another candidate…’

Do NOT forget the pause. It is vital for a couple of reasons. 

1. The pause underlines the finality of the message. It highlights that it is what it is, no more wiggle room.

2. It gives the recipient a moment to take in the message.

3. It gives you the opportunity to gauge, via the other’s non-verbals, how the other person’s taking the message and how you should proceed.

A frequently asked question here is: Do I have to announce that it is bad news, before I give the actual news? For example: ‘I have some bad news for you, you didn’t get the job’. I’d say there’s no right or wrong here.

 If you do, you allow the other person to brace themselves for what’s coming and they are not caught off guard. The downside is, that you cannot know for sure whether the news is in fact ‘bad’. If you’re terminating someone with severance pay who was contemplating quitting their job to make a trip around the world, the news might actually be great.  

If you don’t alert them about the ‘bad’ news some people may be caught off guard and the emotional flare-up might be higher. The choice is yours. I tend not to announce it, because I trust in my ability to hold space for any emotion that might arise. 

Step 2: Hold space for emotion

I’ve actually dedicated an entire article on this. Please read this first and then come back to this article. I have one addition that is specific to this bad news conversation. 

This tip I’m about to give you will save you a lot of hassle… Do not answer questions of people who are in an emotional state. They might ask you the same type of questions a rational person might, but the emotional charge of the question should alert you not to answer. Whatever you say will only put fuel to the fire. Examples: 

• ‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’

• ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?’

• ‘BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?’

• ‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’

• ‘IS THIS A JOKE?’

But if you can;t answer, what do you do? You circumvent the question by using a simple formula: “It looks/sounds/seems/feels like” + [a statement describing where their question is coming from]. This approach lets them know you’ve heard the question, but allows you not to answer immediately.  Let’s look at some examples:

• ‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’

• ‘It sounds like you’re struggling to understand why this decision was made…

• ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?’

• ‘It sounds like this comes as a surprise to you…’

• ‘BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?’

• ‘It sounds like you’re unsure what this decision means for you…

• ‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’

• ‘It feels like this  is a difficult pill for you to swallow…’

• ‘IS THIS A JOKE?’

• ‘It looks like you can’t believe this decision has been made…’

Pay attention though: whatever you paste behind  ‘it looks/sounds/seems/feels like’ can either move the conversation along or bring it to a screeching halt. Consider these examples.

• ‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’

• Option A: ‘It seems that you cannot accept your termination…’

• Option B: ‘It sounds like you’re struggling to understand why this decision was made…’

• ‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’

• Option A: ‘It seems like you're unable to accept this…’

• Option B: ‘It feels like this  is a difficult pill for you to swallow…’

Whenever you use a  ‘it looks/sounds/seems/feels like’ your goal is to get the other person to agree with your interpretation. When you use Options A what they’ll agree with is that they cannot accept this. This will only reinforce their resistance and keep them stuck in their emotions.  Options B  acknowledge their struggle while gently steering the conversation toward acceptance and understanding.

Transitioning from step 2 to step 3

The million dollar question that is probably forming in your head now is: when should you transition from step 2 to step 3? Theoretically, it’s when the recipient’s non-verbal and verbal cues indicate that they are calming down. 

Determining the exact point when they’re ready to move to step 3 is not an exact science unfortunately. While you’ll need to rely on your intuition, paying attention to specific cues from the recipient can help guide your decision.

• The pace of their speaking slows down.

• They ask questions without emotional charge.

• They make eye contact.

• They let out an accepting sigh.

As I mentioned before: it will happen that sometimes you will transition to step 3 too soon. As you are giving your arguments, you notice the recipient flaring up again. If this happens, no problem. You simply stop providing arguments and move back to step 2. 

I usually add a transitional sentence:

‘If you’re up for it, I can walk you through the reasoning behind the decision…’ + [silence]

The beauty of a sentence like that is that if the recipient says yes, they are confirming to you (and themselves) that they are capable of having a rational conversation again. This decreases the probability of them flaring up again later. 

Step 3: Present arguments / Provide reasons

There are a couple of things that will set you up for success here, let me walk you through them. 

Prepare

Same as step 1, this is something you could and should prepare. This means that you have to be able to explain the three main arguments or reasons (depending on whether it’s bad news type 1 or 2) from the top of your head. 

Walk them through it step by step

Second, when it’s time to deliver the arguments/reasons, use the following structure. 

1. Provide the first argument/reason. Use a downward inflection. This signals a finality to what you’re saying. An upwards inflection makes your statement sound like a question and signals that there is room to argue. 

2. Follow this by a short silence.This is where you gauge the other person’s non-verbal reaction. If they signal acceptance, move on to the second. If they flare up again, move back to step 2 of the Bad News Model. 

3. Provide the second argument/reason

4. Follow again by short silence

5. And so forth.

Use short sentences

Third, when you give your reasoning, use short sentences.  It may sound counter-intuitive, but the more words you use, the more defensive and/or unsure you sound. 

• DO: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is that you didn’t make the deadline on project X.’

• DO NOT DO: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is project X. It was challenging, but you were expected to either meet the deadline or inform stakeholders ahead of time. Stakeholder management is critical in your role, so this outcome reflects that."

Using short sentences doesn’t mean that you cannot discuss the point with the recipient. It just means that you will give the information bite-sized, and not offer up all the information in one go. With every question from the recipient, offer one or two sentences of explanation and leave it there. Take a look at the following example. Let’s assume that the questions are not emotionally charged, so therefore you can give an answer. 

• YOU: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is that you didn’t make the deadline on project X.’

• RECIPIENT: ‘I don’t understand, it got delivered with only two weeks of delay…’

• YOU: ‘In your role, you’re expected to either make the deadline or inform the main stakeholders ahead of time of the delay. That didn’t happen’

• RECIPIENT: ‘And is that so important that it merits a NOT MEET, even with all of the other things I achieved?

• YOU: ‘Unfortunately, yes.’

Sidestep challenging remarks

The last thing you want to be mindful of is that you want to avoid arguing. Let’s say someone disagrees with your argument:

• YOU: ‘The first reason (you are not being promoted this round) is because you didn’t make your sales target’ [silence]

• RECIPIENT: ‘Well that’s hugely unfair! It is impossible to make the numbers when my most important client is in the middle of a re-org!’

When someone challenges you like that, you will most likely feel triggered to defend your point. It would sound something like this:

• YOU: ‘Well, that re-org was in the making for a while now, so you could have seen it coming. Also if you didn’t, we expect you to get creative and grow your other clients. ‘

My invitation to you is to not act defensive. To borrow a line from Byron Katie: ‘Defense is the first act of war’. You will 100% end up arguing if you choose this route. Instead, sidestep the challenging remark using the same technique you employed to circumvent questions from someone who is emotional:

• YOU: ‘It seems you didn’t expect that whether or not you would make the sales target would be a deciding factor in your promotion.’

OR

• YOU: ‘It sounds like you hadn’t expected this outcome.’   

I know I’m asking you to do something difficult here, but I can promise you this. If you master the technique of sidestepping challenging remarks, this conversation (and dare I say it, maybe even your life!) will be the better for it. 

Step 4: Next steps

The goal for this last step is for the recipient to be 100% clear on what happens after the conversation. Apart from that, depending on the message you shared you might also have an additional goal. 

Message: NOT NOW

Some bad news contains a message of NOT NOW. Examples of this are: You are not being promoted this round, or you did get the job you applied for this time, You didn’t get the raise you wanted this year. If this is the case, you can use this step to look forward to the next time and how you can work to improve their chances to get what they want then. This enables you to end the conversation on a more positive/hopeful note. An example: 

• ‘If you’re interested, I’d be open to using our next 1-2-1 to delve into how we can improve your odds of getting that promotion/getting that job/getting that raise in the next round…’

Message: LOST FOREVER

Other bad news may contain an element of something being lost forever. In this case your focus could be on some strategies, resources or perspective available to help the recipient cope with the news. Depending on the emotional upheaval of the recipient you might also plan a separate conversation to discuss the next steps. Some examples:

Message: Your contract will not be extended

• ‘Your final day will then be february the 28th. If you’re open to it, I’d suggest we use our 1-2-1 next week to discuss the practicalities. In addition to this our HRBP is also available for any questions you might have. 

Message: Your presentation was accidentally deleted

• ‘We do need the presentation by the end of this week, so we have to find a way to re-make it. If you need it, I am able to clear your schedule for the rest of the day to do this’

Message: We won’t hire you because we don’t see a fit between you and this company. 

• ‘I know this might be a disappointment now. What I can offer you from my perspective is that people tend to thrive when they fit optimally with a company. That’s what I hope for you, to find that perfect fit. 

That’s it! I hope that with this article I might have been able to boost your confidence in having these conversations. It’s important to note that the culture of the recipient also plays a part in how you deliver bad news. This article is written from a Dutch perspective and works well for most western cultures.

How to deliver bad news is also covered in the training: The Art of Conversation for my Inspire to Lead course.