Building a learning culture: Discouraging Behaviors

I know I have to do something. I am two hours into the training and I see at least three participants lean back and zoom out. The cause of this is my inability to manage the participant to my left. I have rarely met a participant so invested in the training and eager to learn. In his eagerness however, he is taking up a lot of space. Too much space in this case. No question is left unanswered by him and he contributes a lot of examples of his own. The less vocal people in the group are unable to get a word in. Even though I’ve tried to engage them in the conversation, the balance is still off. 

Take a moment for yourself to think about how you would approach this situation. How can you get this participant to tone it down while not dampening their spirits? What words would you use? Would you say it in the group? Would you take them aside?

A positive approach to correcting behaviors

All right, have you figured out your response? That’s great. Give yourself a thumbs-up for doing this mental work-out. Were you able to strike that elegant balance between correcting behavior and keeping enthusiasm? This has been one of the skills I have needed to develop over the years. When I started out as a trainer I had no problem correcting undesirable behavior, but the approach I took had a stern-teacher-like quality to it (it still pops up for me from time to time, I have to admit). The result was that the behavior stopped, but the participant lost appetite for the session because they felt put down. After years of trial and error I’ve finally stumbled upon a great method to do this. Are you ready for it? 

Curious how this plays out in practice? This is how I used the method with that eager participant. I decided to approach him during the break. This is what I said:

• ‘Since the beginning of the session I have already spotted two qualities that you bring to the table that I really appreciate: your zest for learning and your quick-wit.’ 

(Important note: I meant what I said. I really did appreciate this about him. I would not recommend making stuff up here that you don’t really mean. People can sense it if you’re disingenuous and then this method will backfire.)

• ‘Because you are so fast in contributing though, I notice other participants are leaning back, because they are having difficulty getting a word in.’

• ‘Can I invite you to play around with the concept of giving space and taking up space? You might do this by allowing some time to pass before you ask a question, or checking other’s non-verbals to see if they’re about to say something.’

The result of this intervention? We ended up having a conversation in which the participant opened up by saying that this was feedback that he had had before. He shared that there were more situations in his life where his enthusiasm caused him to take up a lot of (and sometimes too much) space. Because of the practical tips I had given him he was eager to try giving more space in practice. During the rest of the session I noticed him deliberately waiting before jumping in with a response and as a result the balance of participation in the session was restored. 

Why this works: the power of recognition

Time and time again I’ve noticed this way of correcting behavior works. My suspicion is that it is in the first step where the magic lies. By recognizing the quality in the behavior or the positive intention you convey a message of: I see you and I appreciate you. When someone makes you feel like that, any message that follows becomes much more digestible and motivation to do something different increases. When teaching this method to other trainers many find it difficult to come up with the quality or positive intention. Especially if you find a particular behavior annoying as a trainer, it can be difficult to find the positive. To give you an idea of the things you could say, here are a couple of example situations and possible approaches. 

Practical Examples: Applying the Method in Different Situations

Situation: As you are discussing theory one participant asks a lot of very detailed questions. This takes up too much time and you notice other participants getting bored. 

Approach: 

1. ‘I appreciate the thoroughness you bring to really understanding this theory’ 

2. ‘Being mindful of the time we have, my concern is that when we go into this level of detail we will not have enough time for this next exercise’.

3. ‘Are you okay with leaving it here for the moment to move into this exercise? I’d be happy to answer any questions that remain during the break’.

Situation: As the group is continuously late in coming back from the break. There is no ill will, but they are having such a good time together that they forget about the time. 

Approach:

1. ‘I love how you are getting on as a group, it really shows the bond you’ve created over the course of these training days’ 

2. ‘A byproduct of this is that the breaks take longer than we agreed upon, leaving me with a challenge to run the programme AND get you home on time’.

3. ‘Can I challenge you to definitely keep on having the fun you’re having whilst also returning from the break on the agreed upon time?’.

Situation: As someone is sharing something vulnerable they get emotional. Uncomfortable by the show of emotion some participants immediately move into rushed action by getting a glass of water, patting the back of the emotional participant and trying to console them. 

Approach:

1. ‘I appreciate the compassion that you demonstrate.’

2. ‘When someone gets emotional though, just being present and holding space for the emotion is usually the most supportive gesture. Directly moving into action can be counter to the natural processing of emotions.’

3. ‘Can I invite you to experiment with just holding space and giving the other person some time to move through their emotion?’

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Stretch - the balance between safety and challenge. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Delivering Bad News

One of my favorite skills-sessions to deliver is Bad News Conversations. Why? Because there is such a huge delta between how participants come in and how they leave a session. This is a highly trainable skill. Everyone can learn it. Yes, you too! And when you do you’re going to reap the reward both in your personal and professional life. Your relationships will be the better for it because this is a trust-building skill. 

So, let’s dive in. I  will walk you through using the right mindset, understanding different types of bad news, and using a four-step method to navigate these conversations effectively.

Mindset

In my experience the biggest obstacle to  navigating bad news conversations is mindset. So if we want to get better, that’s our first port of call. 

The way you think about a situation influences your ability to deal with that situation. In the case of delivering bad news, there are some thought patterns that are going to make it impossible for you to navigate that conversation effectively. For example, if you think that you should be able to deliver the news in such a way that the other person doesn’t get emotional, you are setting yourself up for failure. Having an emotional reaction to bad news is human, and if you don’t allow the recipient of the news to have that reaction the conversation will be stunted. 

Therefore, you need to check your mindset at the door before going into the conversation. Shifting your mindset allows you to navigate these conversations with greater empathy and effectiveness. Below is a guide to reframing your thoughts.

Types of bad news

We can distinguish two types of bad news: 

1. A decision has been made that is unfavorable for you. Examples:

1. You will not be promoted this round

2. You are not getting a raise

3. Your contract will not be extended

4. You will get a NOT MEET on your performance review

2. Something happened that has an adverse effect on you. Examples:

1. Your computer was stolen from the office last night

2. I accidentally deleted your presentation

3. Your flight to the sales conference in Vegas was canceled due to a hurricane

4. Our commercial wasn’t nominated for  a Gouden Loeki this year

The method below will work for both types of news.

The method to the magic

All right, let's continue with understanding the structure of a bad news conversation.  This type of conversation consists of four steps. The emotional state of the receiver determines when you can move on to the next step. I’ll first walk you through the general idea and then give you tips and tricks for each step. Consider the following graph:

When you’re delivering bad news the first step is breaking the message. Chances are that the receiver of the bad news will then have some kind of emotional response. It could be disappointment, disbelief, anger, sadness, frustration, grief, numbness or something else. You can see this in the graph in the green line going up horizontally. When it crosses the dotted line the receiver is no longer rational. You will recognize this mostly through their non-verbals. 

Now pay attention, I’m about to share something vital…

In this state, the receiver is no longer able to process any information. Why? When someone experiences intense emotions, their brain's limbic system takes over. This temporarily overrides the rational thinking processes of the prefrontal cortex, making it difficult for them to process information or engage in logical reasoning. The single biggest mistake you can make when your counterpart is in this state  is to continue your story: present the arguments that support the decision, or provide the reasons that led to this outcome. Because what happens? Anything you say will put fuel to the fire. You don’t feel heard, the receiver doesn’t accept the decision/situation, you end up arguing: misery all around. 

It doesn’t have to be this way. What you should do instead, is hold space for the emotion to allow the receiver to calm down again. This is the second step of delivering bad news. At one point, the non-verbals of the receiver will give you an indication that they are able to talk rationally again. This is the point where the green line crosses the dotted line again on the way down. Then, and only then, will you continue to step 3: present the arguments that support the decision (for type 1 bad news), or provide the reasons that led to this outcome (for type 2 bad news).

Now you might think then that you are in the clear, the emotional part being behind you. Well maybe, maybe not. It frequently happens, especially if someone didn’t calm down as much as you’d thought, that someone’s emotions flare up again as you present the arguments. If this is the case, stay calm and move back to step 2. The key thing remains: don’t try to have a rational conversation with someone in an emotional state.

When you get them to calm down again, retry step 3. When you’ve given your arguments, with no more emotional flare-ups, it’s time to move over to step 4, Becoming clear on what the next steps are going to be.

Now let’s dive a little deeper into each step, to set you up right for your conversations to come:

Step 1: Break the message

This is something you could and should prepare. This is usually one or two sentences, followed by a pause. Examples:

• ‘I’m sorry to inform you your contract will not be extended…’

• ‘I have reviewed your request for a raise and unfortunately I am unable to approve it at this point…’

• ‘I’ve called to let you know that we’ve decided to offer the job to another candidate…’

Do NOT forget the pause. It is vital for a couple of reasons. 

1. The pause underlines the finality of the message. It highlights that it is what it is, no more wiggle room.

2. It gives the recipient a moment to take in the message.

3. It gives you the opportunity to gauge, via the other’s non-verbals, how the other person’s taking the message and how you should proceed.

A frequently asked question here is: Do I have to announce that it is bad news, before I give the actual news? For example: ‘I have some bad news for you, you didn’t get the job’. I’d say there’s no right or wrong here.

 If you do, you allow the other person to brace themselves for what’s coming and they are not caught off guard. The downside is, that you cannot know for sure whether the news is in fact ‘bad’. If you’re terminating someone with severance pay who was contemplating quitting their job to make a trip around the world, the news might actually be great.  

If you don’t alert them about the ‘bad’ news some people may be caught off guard and the emotional flare-up might be higher. The choice is yours. I tend not to announce it, because I trust in my ability to hold space for any emotion that might arise. 

Step 2: Hold space for emotion

I’ve actually dedicated an entire article on this. Please read this first and then come back to this article. I have one addition that is specific to this bad news conversation. 

This tip I’m about to give you will save you a lot of hassle… Do not answer questions of people who are in an emotional state. They might ask you the same type of questions a rational person might, but the emotional charge of the question should alert you not to answer. Whatever you say will only put fuel to the fire. Examples: 

• ‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’

• ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?’

• ‘BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?’

• ‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’

• ‘IS THIS A JOKE?’

But if you can;t answer, what do you do? You circumvent the question by using a simple formula: “It looks/sounds/seems/feels like” + [a statement describing where their question is coming from]. This approach lets them know you’ve heard the question, but allows you not to answer immediately.  Let’s look at some examples:

• ‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’

• ‘It sounds like you’re struggling to understand why this decision was made…

• ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?’

• ‘It sounds like this comes as a surprise to you…’

• ‘BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?’

• ‘It sounds like you’re unsure what this decision means for you…

• ‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’

• ‘It feels like this  is a difficult pill for you to swallow…’

• ‘IS THIS A JOKE?’

• ‘It looks like you can’t believe this decision has been made…’

Pay attention though: whatever you paste behind  ‘it looks/sounds/seems/feels like’ can either move the conversation along or bring it to a screeching halt. Consider these examples.

• ‘BUT WHY ARE YOU FIRING ME?’

• Option A: ‘It seems that you cannot accept your termination…’

• Option B: ‘It sounds like you’re struggling to understand why this decision was made…’

• ‘DO YOU EXPECT ME JUST TO ACCEPT THIS?’

• Option A: ‘It seems like you're unable to accept this…’

• Option B: ‘It feels like this  is a difficult pill for you to swallow…’

Whenever you use a  ‘it looks/sounds/seems/feels like’ your goal is to get the other person to agree with your interpretation. When you use Options A what they’ll agree with is that they cannot accept this. This will only reinforce their resistance and keep them stuck in their emotions.  Options B  acknowledge their struggle while gently steering the conversation toward acceptance and understanding.

Transitioning from step 2 to step 3

The million dollar question that is probably forming in your head now is: when should you transition from step 2 to step 3? Theoretically, it’s when the recipient’s non-verbal and verbal cues indicate that they are calming down. 

Determining the exact point when they’re ready to move to step 3 is not an exact science unfortunately. While you’ll need to rely on your intuition, paying attention to specific cues from the recipient can help guide your decision.

• The pace of their speaking slows down.

• They ask questions without emotional charge.

• They make eye contact.

• They let out an accepting sigh.

As I mentioned before: it will happen that sometimes you will transition to step 3 too soon. As you are giving your arguments, you notice the recipient flaring up again. If this happens, no problem. You simply stop providing arguments and move back to step 2. 

I usually add a transitional sentence:

‘If you’re up for it, I can walk you through the reasoning behind the decision…’ + [silence]

The beauty of a sentence like that is that if the recipient says yes, they are confirming to you (and themselves) that they are capable of having a rational conversation again. This decreases the probability of them flaring up again later. 

Step 3: Present arguments / Provide reasons

There are a couple of things that will set you up for success here, let me walk you through them. 

Prepare

Same as step 1, this is something you could and should prepare. This means that you have to be able to explain the three main arguments or reasons (depending on whether it’s bad news type 1 or 2) from the top of your head. 

Walk them through it step by step

Second, when it’s time to deliver the arguments/reasons, use the following structure. 

1. Provide the first argument/reason. Use a downward inflection. This signals a finality to what you’re saying. An upwards inflection makes your statement sound like a question and signals that there is room to argue. 

2. Follow this by a short silence.This is where you gauge the other person’s non-verbal reaction. If they signal acceptance, move on to the second. If they flare up again, move back to step 2 of the Bad News Model. 

3. Provide the second argument/reason

4. Follow again by short silence

5. And so forth.

Use short sentences

Third, when you give your reasoning, use short sentences.  It may sound counter-intuitive, but the more words you use, the more defensive and/or unsure you sound. 

• DO: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is that you didn’t make the deadline on project X.’

• DO NOT DO: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is project X. It was challenging, but you were expected to either meet the deadline or inform stakeholders ahead of time. Stakeholder management is critical in your role, so this outcome reflects that."

Using short sentences doesn’t mean that you cannot discuss the point with the recipient. It just means that you will give the information bite-sized, and not offer up all the information in one go. With every question from the recipient, offer one or two sentences of explanation and leave it there. Take a look at the following example. Let’s assume that the questions are not emotionally charged, so therefore you can give an answer. 

• YOU: ‘The main reason (you are getting a NOT MEET in this performance review) is that you didn’t make the deadline on project X.’

• RECIPIENT: ‘I don’t understand, it got delivered with only two weeks of delay…’

• YOU: ‘In your role, you’re expected to either make the deadline or inform the main stakeholders ahead of time of the delay. That didn’t happen’

• RECIPIENT: ‘And is that so important that it merits a NOT MEET, even with all of the other things I achieved?

• YOU: ‘Unfortunately, yes.’

Sidestep challenging remarks

The last thing you want to be mindful of is that you want to avoid arguing. Let’s say someone disagrees with your argument:

• YOU: ‘The first reason (you are not being promoted this round) is because you didn’t make your sales target’ [silence]

• RECIPIENT: ‘Well that’s hugely unfair! It is impossible to make the numbers when my most important client is in the middle of a re-org!’

When someone challenges you like that, you will most likely feel triggered to defend your point. It would sound something like this:

• YOU: ‘Well, that re-org was in the making for a while now, so you could have seen it coming. Also if you didn’t, we expect you to get creative and grow your other clients. ‘

My invitation to you is to not act defensive. To borrow a line from Byron Katie: ‘Defense is the first act of war’. You will 100% end up arguing if you choose this route. Instead, sidestep the challenging remark using the same technique you employed to circumvent questions from someone who is emotional:

• YOU: ‘It seems you didn’t expect that whether or not you would make the sales target would be a deciding factor in your promotion.’

OR

• YOU: ‘It sounds like you hadn’t expected this outcome.’   

I know I’m asking you to do something difficult here, but I can promise you this. If you master the technique of sidestepping challenging remarks, this conversation (and dare I say it, maybe even your life!) will be the better for it. 

Step 4: Next steps

The goal for this last step is for the recipient to be 100% clear on what happens after the conversation. Apart from that, depending on the message you shared you might also have an additional goal. 

Message: NOT NOW

Some bad news contains a message of NOT NOW. Examples of this are: You are not being promoted this round, or you did get the job you applied for this time, You didn’t get the raise you wanted this year. If this is the case, you can use this step to look forward to the next time and how you can work to improve their chances to get what they want then. This enables you to end the conversation on a more positive/hopeful note. An example: 

• ‘If you’re interested, I’d be open to using our next 1-2-1 to delve into how we can improve your odds of getting that promotion/getting that job/getting that raise in the next round…’

Message: LOST FOREVER

Other bad news may contain an element of something being lost forever. In this case your focus could be on some strategies, resources or perspective available to help the recipient cope with the news. Depending on the emotional upheaval of the recipient you might also plan a separate conversation to discuss the next steps. Some examples:

Message: Your contract will not be extended

• ‘Your final day will then be february the 28th. If you’re open to it, I’d suggest we use our 1-2-1 next week to discuss the practicalities. In addition to this our HRBP is also available for any questions you might have. 

Message: Your presentation was accidentally deleted

• ‘We do need the presentation by the end of this week, so we have to find a way to re-make it. If you need it, I am able to clear your schedule for the rest of the day to do this’

Message: We won’t hire you because we don’t see a fit between you and this company. 

• ‘I know this might be a disappointment now. What I can offer you from my perspective is that people tend to thrive when they fit optimally with a company. That’s what I hope for you, to find that perfect fit. 

That’s it! I hope that with this article I might have been able to boost your confidence in having these conversations. It’s important to note that the culture of the recipient also plays a part in how you deliver bad news. This article is written from a Dutch perspective and works well for most western cultures.

How to deliver bad news is also covered in the training: The Art of Conversation for my Inspire to Lead course.

Interaction: Dealing with right answers

Right answers from participants also deserve a conscious approach, if you want to ensure high levels of interaction. What you want to avoid is that when a participant gives a sliver of the right answer you immediately move in and take over. Let’s look at an example from a training on the Rose of Leary.

• You: ‘So let me ask you, who can give me an example of when ABOVE - AGAINST behavior is appropriate or even necessary?’

• Participant: ‘Maybe when you have to communicate a boundary?’

• You: ‘That’s exactly right! When you have to communicate a boundary, ABOVE - AGAINST behavior is what you need. At that particular moment, you are putting your needs/wants/desires above what the other person might want. That makes it AGAINST. You are taking initiative by speaking up and making a statement and that makes it ABOVE. Does that make sense?

What you communicate through this interaction is that you only need their input as assists to your own story. You are not truly interested in what they have to say. Participants will pick up on this immediately and as a result will not be as forthcoming with any new answers. Interaction levels will slowly wither. 

How to deal with right answers

How you deal with a right answer is influenced by the level of correctness and the level of completeness. Let’s take a look at a couple of examples to find out how you deal with them.

The answer is 100% correct & 100% complete

Strategy: Highlight & Reward. Endorse the answer and offer the participant a moment in the sun for their contribution. How you do this depends very much on your style as a trainer. I personally have some fun with this by saying things like:

• ‘Ladies and gentleman, we have an angels-singing situation on our hands, what Peter said is exactly right!’

• ‘That’s exactly right! I couldn’t have said it any better if I had read it to you from the textbook.’

• ‘That’s a 10 out of 10 right there! Well done!’  

The answer is <100% correct & 100% complete

<100% correct implies that the answer is definitely in the direction you’re looking for, but it needs some fine-tuning to be exactly right.

Strategy: Reward the part that’s right and invite further additions either from the group or from the participant who gave the answer. Let’s take a look at this example from a training on Coaching:

• You: ‘What did you see me do, after the coachee told me the story about his boss?’

• Participant A: ‘You summarized it, by saying ‘I see that this is bothering you’.

• You: ‘Well spotted! I indeed summarized it. Those were not the exact words I used though. Who remembers which turn of phrase I used?

• Participant B: ‘You said: ‘It looks like this is bothering you’’

• You: ‘Awesome! That’s right. The reason I’m making you aware of this distinction is that ‘It looks like’ keeps the focus on the coachee and ‘I see’ takes more of the focus towards yourself and what you think.

The answer is 100% correct & <100% complete

<100% complete can mean two things.

1. Multiple answers exist for this particular question. 

Strategy: reward and invite further contributions, sometimes nudging the participants in a particular direction to come up with new answers. Let’s take a look at a situation from training on Focus:

• You: So when we know that the most effective breaks for the brain involve not taking in any information and being in a state of open awareness, can you think of some examples of great breaks?

• Participant A: ‘Loading the dishwasher.’

• You: ‘For sure! What else?’

• Participant B: ‘I always dance in the living room!’

• You: ‘Cool, I think I’ll try that myself! That definitely is an effective break for the brain. To also have some examples of breaks that are easier to do when you’re at work, what can you think of?’

• Participant C: ‘Take a walk’

• You: ‘Yup! Easy movement is one of the most effective breaks for the brain. Keep going!

• Participant D: ‘Stare out of the window’

• You: ‘Indeed, it might seem odd, but that’s actually a great break! I hope these examples gives you some inspiration for your breaks to come.’

  2. The answer lacks depth and needs further elaboration to be meaningful.

Strategy: Invite the participant to elaborate further. Let’s take a look at the example from a training on Delivering Bad News.

• You: ‘What would happen if you ignore that someone is angry and try to have a rational conversation?’

• Participant: ‘It wouldn’t work.’

• You: [with friendly inquisitive look on your face] ‘Say more’

• Participant: ‘Well, they wouldn’t exactly be open for it, right?’

• You: ‘Can you elaborate?’

• Participant: ‘Well, when I think of myself when I am angry, anything you say to me usually only puts fuel to the fire. I get even more riled up. I’m just not in the right headspace to hear what it is you have to say. 

• You: ‘Yes, that is exactly what tends to happen. ‘

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Interaction. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Interaction: Dealing with wrong answers

When you ask a question to the group, it can be challenging when a participant gives  an answer that is blatantly wrong. In order to keep interaction high two things hang in the balance here: you want to reward the person for having a go at the question and at the same time you want to make sure everyone understands what the right answer is. Dealing with wrong answers is a critical trainer skill. If you’re too harsh, the group will think twice before they answer going forward for fear of looking stupid. If you’re too quick to correct them, the group will become more reticent to answer because they already expect you to give them the answer. 

So how do you tread that balance? Here are some techniques that help you when someone gives you a wrong answer:

Option 1

• Figure out where they made a wrong turn, give them a tip and shape their way to the right answer

• ‘So you think X? Tell us why. 

• [answer] 

• ‘I see. And if you consider this [X], does your answer remain the same?’.

Option 2

• Use the group: 

• ‘Hmm, interesting. Does everyone agree, or does someone see it differently?

• [some non-verbal no’s] 

• No? Then what do you think? 

• [Right answer]

• ‘Yes, that is indeed also what the theory suggests/ Yes, that has also been my experience/ Yes, that’s right.

Option 3

• Sometimes the answer is not necessarily wrong, but just not the one you are looking for. Reward the answer and invite them to come up with another answer 

• ‘Yes, it is always an option to stop a conversation when emotions get heated. But what if you wanted to try to turn the conversation around, what could you do then?’

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Interaction. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Interaction: Dealing with questions

‘Always do something with a question, other than answering it.’ 

I looked at the trainer, glassy-eyed… I thought I had nailed it. Answered every question with precision. So why was  I getting this feedback? It was early days in my career, and I had just delivered part of a training session in a Train the Trainer course. The theory I had explained was quite difficult and all of the questions from the group I had answered, and answered well. I felt pretty sure every participant understood what I had tried to convey, so I didn’t see the problem. 

Not one to give up easily, I challenged: ‘but everyone understands it right?’ I even looked at the group to get some back up and to my delight got some nodding. I proudly looked back to the trainer, who smiled at me. ‘Yes, you did a pretty good job in explaining the theory. There are however other factors that are important if you want to deliver a stellar training, apart from getting people to understand. Would you be interested to find out how you did in these?’ I nodded yes. 

The trainer then asked the group: ‘By a show of fingers, rate how engaged you felt during this segment, 1 being not at all, 10 being totally.’ I received a 3, a couple of 4’s, a 5 and a 7. The trainer continued: ‘And now rate how interested you were in what Rosanne was conveying’. Now my numbers ranged from 2 to 6. Ooof, for someone that always aims for high marks, these ratings were like a punch to the gut. I got the point. I had focused so intently on nailing the theory that I had completely lost track of engagement. Yet, as a trainer, that is crucial.

Ever since that moment, I’ve  been honing the skill of delivering interactive, engaging sessions. At this point in time high levels of interaction are even one of my USP’s as a trainer. This should give you hope, since it’s clearly a trainable skill. Let me share what I’ve learned with you.

Mindset

Oftentimes it is our beliefs that hold us back from attaining a certain goal. Many trainers (myself included) hold the following belief when they start out:  

If someone asks a question, I need to answer it.

Are you too getting a pang of recognition here? This is exactly the kind of belief that will hinder you to create an engaging learning session. By giving the answers, you are doing the hard work and are not inviting the participants to think for themselves and learn something. You are only displaying your knowledge instead of helping them build some. This creates passive groups with little interaction. So our first order of business is changing our belief to:.

If someone asks a question, I use it to activate the group to learn.

Totally different ballgame, right? If you are bought into this belief, yet unclear on how you do this, read on.

How you deal with a question is influenced  by the energy that is driving the question. Let’s take a look at a couple of examples, and how you deal with them. 

Someone doesn’t understand it. 

‘So, let’s say someone keeps interrupting me. If I then give feedback and I say ‘I felt you were being rude’, is that an observation or an interpretation?’

How you could deal with it:

• Use the group

• ‘Who has an answer to this question?’

An important note—sometimes, you may not get the answer you’re looking for right away. If that’s the case, keep prompting with questions like ‘Does everyone feel the same?’  or ‘Does anyone have a different view?’. When the right answer is mentioned, but there are also different viewpoints that came from the group, your role as a trainer is to highlight the right answer. You can do this by saying: ‘Exactly!’ or ‘That is indeed also what the theory suggests’ or ‘and this is also how I look at it/my experience.’ In this way, you strengthen your role as an expert and you set the participants at ease because now it’s clear which answer is the ‘correct’ one.

• Uncover why they don’t understand it, and coach them to the right answer. Think of this as a mini-coaching moment. Instead of spoon-feeding the answer, you’re nudging them to see it themselves.

• ‘Do you remember the main difference between an observation and an interpretation? 

• [Answer: ‘Yes, an observation is a fact, and an interpretation is the meaning you assign to that fact’] 

• ‘Exactly! And is it a fact that interrupting people is rude? In other words, would everyone see it the exact same way?’

• [Answer: ‘Well I think most people would, but maybe not all…’]

• ‘So does that make that statement an interpretation or an interpretation?

• [Answer: ‘An interpretation!’]

• ‘Right!’

Someone asks a question to verify an answer they already have in their head. 

‘So, is it a good idea then to prepare your feedback in advance?’

How you could deal with it:

• Turn it around

• ‘What do you think?’

• ‘From the way you ask the question, it sounds like you already have an idea around this, am I right?

Someone asks a question because they are skeptical or not convinced of what you’re saying.

‘So when someone gets emotional I should allow space for the emotion?’

How you could deal with it:

• Address the thing that is not being said and invite them to elaborate

• ‘It sounds like you have some doubt around this, how so?’

• Reward them for speaking up and ask them a question to invite them to think for themselves 

• ‘Good question! What might be the use of doing that, do you think?’

I’m excited for you to start test-driving these approaches to handling questions! Plus, there’s a great bonus here: energy preservation. You’re now inviting participants to do the heavy lifting, which leaves you feeling way more energized—both during and after the session. You’re welcome!

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Interaction. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Virtual sessions: Presence

I’ve written the following from the perspective of a trainer, yet the same principle applies to all types of virtual sessions. Use it to your advantage!

True or false: It’s possible to deliver an engaging online training session from 09:00 to 16:00, leaving participants wanting more for three consecutive days.

Well? If you’re like most people you would say: ‘False!’, based on never having seen it done. I’m here to tell you that it can be done. And it can be done by YOU. How do I know this? Because I’ve done it.

Last year I facilitated an online Train the Trainer course for a lovely group of trainers dialing in from Nigeria and Uganda. I dialed in from the Netherlands and the training actor dialed in from India. That’s the modern world for you right there! This group stayed engaged, present, and eager for more each day. How? Let me tell you.

Engaging online sessions require four things. Without these prerequisites online engagement does not happen. Trust me on this one. From participants it requires presence, in the broadest sense of the word. From you as a trainer it requires effective breaks, plenty of interaction and major restraint when it comes to slides.

This blogpost will focus on the first one: Presence.

This is the amazing group of trainers from Nigeria and Uganda at the end of a three day virtual Train the Trainer course. Together, we proved that full day virtual courses that are fun, engaging and valuable are in fact possible!

Presence: you’re either fully here or not at all

Without presence of the participants - in the broadest sense of the word - a virtual session is doomed to fail. A participant is present when they are there, on time, visible, audible and paying attention. In order to ensure this is the case I always start the session with some virtual hygiene. I ask them to do three things:

During the session:

• You have your mute button OFF

• You have your camera ON

• Your focus is on the session 

As you already know from me, I rarely ask participants to do something without telling them WHY I am making that request. I invite you to create your own narrative around this, but as an inspiration, this is what I tend to say. 

As you all know from the many virtual meetings you have had in your life, many of them can be tedious, draining and boring. That is not what I intend for this session. I’m fairly certain we can create a session that is useful, engaging and fun. For this, I need your help. I will ask you to do three things.

First, contrary to what you’re used to in virtual meetings, I ask you to UNMUTE. The mute button serves as an invisible barrier to communication. I promise you that our levels of interaction will go way up when everyone complies.  Obviously, if you have someone drilling a hole in the wall next to you, feel free to mute for a moment. Other than that: Mute off. 

[What I’m not telling them, but will tell you: Unmuting also prevents participants from speaking to others, which keeps the focus on your session.]

Second, I invite you to have your camera ON throughout. A black square where your face should be is like a black hole of energy. That’s not what we want. Obviously if you’re uncomfortable to show your surroundings feel free to blur or choose a nice background for yourself. 

[A note to you: Someone having their camera off is the virtual equivalent of someone sitting with their back to the group. You wouldn’t accept that in your F2F sessions, so don’t accept it in a virtual one. I also ask participants with multiple screens to set up in such a way that they are facing the camera. Without a clear visual of participants' faces you are lacking your most important tool for creating interaction: participants’ facial expressions. ] 

Finally, I invite you to be fully present. Enjoy the luxury of doing just one thing at a time. Close your other windows. Turn off your notifications. This is your time for self-improvement, be here for it. Obviously, sometimes the nature of your job does not allow you to switch off like this. There might be something that requires your attention. I get that. If this is the case for you, feel free to give me a heads-up, leave our training session for a moment to attend to your business and rejoin our session when you’re finished.    

[Note to you: By asking them to leave the session when they need to do something else, rather than just muting/turning the camera off, you set a higher standard for distractions. In my experience you are eliminating over 50% of possible distractions.]

In order for this approach to work, it is important to show that you are serious about it. Apart from mentioning it in the beginning, you want to gently remind and/or confront anyone who doesn’t comply. Don’t let it slide because if you don’t address it, more will follow.  Addressing it can range from asking everyone to unmute again as they come back from a break-out room to inquiring what’s going on with someone who is clearly doing something else. Enforcing your virtual hygiene is an advanced art: you want to show that these are non-negotiables for you, whilst being very pleasant about it. It takes some practice, but you’ll get there. 

In very rare instances you will encounter a group that does not comply, despite your best efforts. How do you deal with that? Well, I have to admit I find that situation particularly tricky. The solution I found is not particularly elegant, but it does allow me to keep my integrity as a trainer. This is what I do. 

1. I accept that this particular session will not meet my standard for quality and it is not on me. 

2. After the session I feed back to the client that I cannot deliver quality sessions this way and ask them to take this up with the participants.

3. If nothing changes: I decline further sessions. I don’t want to tarnish the reputation of virtual sessions even further by contributing to lame, dull and uninspiring sessions.

This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Introducing, Guiding and Debriefing Exercises. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Introducing exercises

‘What we’ll do next is split up into four groups. Each group will represent a color. [I create four groups and assign them a color]. For each color you will come up with the do’s and don’t in communication. You have 15 minutes for this. Are there any questions? …. No, everything clear? Okay, then good luck and see you in 15 minutes!’.

It’s early days in my training career and I’m delivering my first ever DISC training. I’m feeling pretty good about the way I’ve explained the exercise. After I send them off several people come back with questions: ‘can we use the room next door?’, ‘do you want us to write down our findings?’, ‘do we have to present it afterwards?’. I wonder why they have not asked this before. I give them the answers and walk by every group to give them the same information. I notice that two groups are doing the exercise wrong. Again I wonder why, I’ve been clear in my instructions, right? I correct them and they proceed. After 10 minutes, everyone is finally doing what I intended. I give them a bit more time, so that everyone has a chance to finish.

As a trainer, introducing exercises is a skill you want to absolutely crush. The impact of your session depends on it. Obviously, I had not crushed this skill at the beginning of my career. And that’s perfectly normal. It takes practice, time, and failure to finally learn to do it well. What helps to get you there faster is to understand the method to the magic of great exercise instruction. And wouldn’t you know, I’m about to share that with you here! Let’s dive in. 

The method to the magic

01. Why

Remember how I mentioned that in order to be a great trainer you have to employ your sales skills from time to time? Well, this is one of those moments.  

The ‘why’ of an exercise is the rationale behind it, emphasizing the benefit for the participants. It explains how the exercise ties into the overarching goal of the session and what the participants will get out of it. When you share this ‘why’ you ‘sell’ the exercise to the participants and create buy-in. This is the step that many trainers forget. They immediately jump into the ‘how’, just as I did in the example above. 

You can get creative with the story. Here are some options using the DISC example from above:

• Link to the learning goals ‘Many of you wanted to learn how to forge better connections with people that have a different style than you. This is the exercise where you will create the toolbox to do exactly that. Sounds good? [check for non-verbal buy-in]’

• Personal example ‘A couple of years ago I had a job interview with the director of Google Netherlands. I brought all of my enthusiasm to this interview and for all this enthusiasm I didn’t receive so much as a smile. I thought this meant he did not like me and went into enthusiasm overdrive to invoke some reaction. Response: nothing. I left the interview dejected and sure I did not get the job. Who of you recognises the experience of trying your best to connect, but not succeeding? [wait for some reactions]. If I had had this training I would have realized that his neutral expression did not necessarily signify that he did not like me, it could simply that he had a different style than me. And if I had done this next exercise in particular I would have known how to remain calm and tweak my personal style to better connect with him. Sounds interesting? [check for non-verbal buy-in]. All right!’

• Start with the gains. 'If you’re interested in improving your ability to connect with people of all styles, this exercise will be right up your alley. Who’s in? [check for non-verbal buy-in]’   

02. How

This is where you explain what the exercise entails. You describe what they are about to do and illustrate what success looks like. 

Using the example above you might say:

What we’ll do is split the group up into four. Each group gets assigned one of the four DISC colors. The challenge is to come up with at least three do’s and three don’ts in communicating with that respective color. What we’ll end up with is a toolbox for forging better connections with each respective style that you can start applying in your day-to-day. Sounds good? [wait for some reactions]

03. What

This is where you break the process down in steps and communicate the available resources for doing the exercise. Things to mention are: time, roles, group composition, location and materials. 

Using the example from above you might say:

Each group will consist of all persons that have that color as their primary color. So if your primary color is red, you will go in the red group and so on. [check for non-verbal signs of understanding]. You have 15 minutes to come up with at least three do’s and three don’ts. You will write them on a flip-over that you can get from me. Two groups can remain in this room, the other two groups can use the break-out room next door. Afterwards you will present your findings to the rest of the group, so make sure you choose a presenter. 

04. Check

Let me guarantee you this: especially if you’re new to this structured way of introducing exercises you’re not going to get it right every time. This is why though, this last step - Check -  is so important. Here, you fish out all the essential information that you have failed to communicate before and send participants off with everything they need to ace the exercise. 

Most trainers do this check by using one of these two questions: 

‘Is everything clear?/ Are there any questions?’

After you’ve finished reading this chapter you will not be one of them. In fact, you will have banished these two sentences from your trainer-vocabulary altogether. You will have done this because you have come to this understanding:

• These sentences feel perfunctory and don’t invite a reply

• The lay the burden of understanding with the participant rather than with you the trainer

Instead, you will check for understanding by using both of these questions:

‘Have I explained this clearly?’ [wait for reactions]

+ 

‘What questions remain about how to do this exercise?’ [wait for reactions]

These are the questions you will use  because you’ve come to this understanding:

• The burden of understanding should be with you as a trainer, so that people feel at ease to ask their questions.

• Implying that having questions is the normal thing invites more responses

• Using these two questions in a row demonstrates that you’re serious about getting some answers.

I am so excited about you getting to test-drive this way of instructing exercises! Yes, it will feel mechanical at first, as with any new method. If you stick with it though, these steps will become second nature and you don’t have to think about it anymore. For me, learning to do this really well has had a tremendous impact on the impact of my trainings and my confidence as a trainer. I’m positive it’ll do the same for you.

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This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on how to deliver awesome trainings. It comes from the chapter Introducing, Guiding and Debriefing Exercises. This theory is also covered in my Train-the-Trainer programme: Inspire to Develop.

Holding space for emotion

If you are uncomfortable when faced with someone’s emotional reaction, this post is for you. If you draw a blank when someone displays a difficult emotion and are insecure about what to do, read on. This article will give you a handle on how to navigate the situation in a way that de-escalates the emotion and strengthens the relationship: through the concept of holding space. Holding space is the practice of being present for someone without judgment, providing them with a safe environment to process whatever it is they are going through. 

This article came about because over the years I’ve seen many people-managers putting off important conversations because they were dreading the emotions that might come up.  It could be telling someone that they would not be promoted, delivering the news that a contract wouldn’t get extended, giving someone some difficult feedback or inquiring after someone whose mental health they were worried about. As a result, important topics were addressed too late or not at all. 

Fortunately, holding space is a highly trainable skill. For this, I’ll share 5 tools with you. If you put the effort in and practice making them your own, I promise you will be able to skillfully navigate these conversations. 

01. Mindset

First things first: You’ve got to get your head on straight if you want to do this right. How? The way you interpret the fact that the other person is having an emotional reaction will determine your ability to deal with the situation. These are some interpretations I’ve encountered over the years. ***Spoiler alert: these are not helping you…

That the other person is having a emotional reaction means that:

• I have done something wrong

• I need to fix it

• the other person is not able to have this conversation right now

Having this mindset will influence your feelings and behavior. You will probably feel triggered and uncomfortable. Behavior-wise, you might jump into solution-mode or shut down the conversation. Both approaches will more likely exacerbate the emotion than alleviate it. So you’re going to need another mindset to allow you to hold space. This is the mindset that will help you:

That the other person is having a emotional reaction means that:

• I have done something wrong → this person has been triggered and that’s human and okay

• I need to fix it → I can support this person by holding space

• the other person is not able to have this conversation right now → I can facilitate this person to process their emotion so we can continue our conversation

Now that you’re operating from the right mindset, let’s explore what tools you might use to help the other person process their emotion.

02. Silence

Let me start with the most effective tool bar none: silence. As someone is having an emotional reaction, just allowing for some silence will go a long way in helping the other person move through the emotion and regain their composure. No action required. This sounds so simple, yet it is not easy. Most people are really uncomfortable with silence. The reason is the way people interpret silence. So here, we also have to change our mind about silence:

Silence means that:

• the other person is waiting for me to speak → the other person needs some time to regain their composure

• the other person is uncomfortable by my not speaking →the other person is so preoccupied with their own emotional reaction that they’re probably not even registering the silence. The only person that’s uncomfortable is me and I can handle that. 

03. Labeling

Through silence you allow for someone to move through the emotion at their own pace. Through labeling you can accelerate this process. Labeling is putting words to what you sense is going on with the other person. Invaluable sentences for this start with these words:

• It looks like… this caught you off guard / you’re struggling

• It sounds like… you have a lot on your plate right now / you’re frustrated

• It seems like… this is not what you expected / you’re rattled by this

• It feels like… you’re disappointed / you’re having difficulty digesting that

When you use a sentence like this, you subtly invite the other person to reflect. The other is invited to look at the emotion rather than be in the emotion. This helps to slow down the build-up of the emotion.

Two expert tips:

• A sentence like this needs to be followed by silence for the effect to kick in.

• Don’t use the similar: I see/I hear/I feel/I notice. They make your remark about you rather than the other person. 

Note: I picked these sentences up in Chris Voss’ book: Never split the difference. A must read if you're interested in how to build better connections with people. 

04. Voice

When you label, the effect will be heavily influenced by your delivery. You want to pay attention to the voice that you use. In this situation, the way you tend to speak when you want to ‘get stuff done’ is not your friend. When you’re holding space for someone you want to use the vocal equivalent of sitting by the fireplace under a blanket with a cup of tea in your hand. Too abstract? Let me break it down. You can adjust your voice like this:

• Bring down the pace, talk slower

• Bring down the pitch, talk lower

• Use a downward inflection. Have the intonation go down at the end of your sentence. 

For an example: Stephen Bartlett uses this type of voice a lot in his podcast Diary of a CEO. 

05. Empathy

This last one comes with a disclaimer: only use this when it’s genuine. It will have an adverse effect if you don’t really mean it. According to Brené Brown empathy is connecting with people so we know we're not alone when we're in struggle. You can show empathy through your words and through your non-verbals. 

Through words:

• I can understand… this is a really difficult situation / your disappointment

• I can imagine… your struggle / that this is a tough pill to swallow

• I can relate to… your sense of frustration / the way you’re feeling right now

• I recognize the feeling of [fill in the blank] and it’s really hard/tough.

Through non-verbals:

• Head slightly tilted

• Understanding expression, though not condescending

• Slight nodding

• This last one might be a bit odd: if the other person is sighing, I tend to sigh along. It creates a feeling of sharing the burden and giving the other person the feeling that they’re not alone. Obviously, don’t overdo it. 

I can’t wait for you to start trying this out for yourself. My advice is to not try to implement the tools all at once. Start with one or two, make them your own, and once you feel comfortable using them, add the next. This way you ensure you come across as being authentic, rather than ‘trying some new trick’. Let me know how you fare!

If you feel like you need a little bit more help to really make this your own, don’t hesitate to be in touch. The session Creation Depth in my Inspire to Lead programme for first time leaders covers this skill.